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CORVALLIS, OR—Instantly repulsed by the startling image, local woman Monica Arquette immediately deleted a picture that, above all others ever taken of her, most closely resembled her actual self, sources reported Monday.

CINCINNATI—Stunning observers with the reckless and arrogant overextension of their modest business, local restaurant Angelo’s Pizzeria was making a foolhardy attempt at a second location, sources reported Monday.

WILDER, KY—Distraught over being separated from his comforting, scaly touch, area woman Anika Mitkin told reporters Saturday that she longed for the caress of her boyfriend’s dry, cracked, bleeding hands.

SUNNYVALE, CA—Expressing their concern at the man’s unsettling behavior, uneasy Internet users reported Saturday that some “total creep” has just been hanging around the Entertainment Weekly website all day long.

Then everyone could “like” it and tweet it and I could be the linkbait queen of the world. I’m afraid of finding out five years from now that we should have had more kids. I’m afraid that now that I’m living my dream, I will be struck by a fatal illness and not live to enjoy it.

We learned two things about Brock Osweiler this week while he hit the links: he likes to listen to Justin Timberlake and he is quite jumpy when it comes to fake snakes.

Osweiler was traded to the Cleveland Browns earlier this month and has been involved in rumors to be moved again soon.

) once said that if you’re not offending anybody, you’re doing it wrong. The worst thing to do with fear is pretend it’s not there. You might be afraid of poverty, of humiliation, of never finding happiness, but you’re not afraid your business will fail.

I had no less than five snarky emails in my inbox before the damn post hit people’s feed readers. That was very nice of you.) Anyway, somebody else (Chuck Norris? When I got those emails, I was not exactly delighted. I have to hang out, being afraid, and going about my business anyway. I got pregnant at 17 with a man who wasn’t exactly my soul mate. I’m afraid that if we move to the city, I will be happy and Jamie will not.

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